Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in morbidlover's LiveJournal:

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Tuesday, March 31st, 2009
3:28 am	XAST I know that no one will ever forget you. You mean a lot to all of us and you will always live on in our hearts. The image of you walking around in your bathrobe no matter what time it was, or the face you make when you are suddenly dead serious....or when you want to tell someone something and your tall ass starts jumping up and down all excited saying "Oh oh I need to tell you" as you poke them over and over. lol Your a doll, and you will be here for a very long time to come. It's sad to see you leave so soon, but I know that there's a reason for it. There's a plan for you, and I know you will do great things where ever you are just as you did here. We love you and will miss you. Take care hun. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, February 10th, 2009
5:30 am	Read and figure it out! This is really just rambling, not that that's anything new coming from me. I'm bored and my game is down for rolling restarts. Damn it. lol So anyway...not to much has changed...go figure, right? Still in this rut and just found out it only goes in a big circle! How freakin great is that?! Yes, that was sarcasm. I am beginning to find a lot of things pointless. I don't understand a lot of things which actually explains them. And of course I am not sure what to do about all of that. I don't know what it is anymore, and I don't know why i bother anymore. I use to have an excuse for all of it..so I guess that makes this just plain stupidity. Why do women let themselves be used? I am not saying it's always intentional, the ones who see it and stop it, good for it..but those who keep letting it happen will find no sympathy anymore. If you are in a fucked up situation, why not get the fuck out of it? I am seriously asking this, I want replies. Why stay in a relationship that seems like it's going no where when it should be farther than where it is? (Comment on this)
Wednesday, October 29th, 2008
4:43 am	Life Well..I am not really sure where to start. My mind is very fucked up at the moment. I think I am trying to process to many things at once. As a couple, when something happens, if you can't forget, can you truly forgive it? What if you can never move past it? Will you ever be okay again? Here are some posts that I missed.... January 18, 2008. While hanging out with a bunch of friends, my grandfather passed. We held the funeral January 20, and while at the funeral my dog was put down. May 6th, 2008. Garrett M. Leavy took his own life. Left a very long note...and I hope he finally found the happiniess he was seeking. June 20, 2008. First day of summer. I gave birth to mine and Jeff's baby girl, Cassandra Ann Kessel. I guess I just have to take things as they come..though the situation proves to be getting more complicated as we go along. I feel horrible, depressed and angry. I feel like, not like I am wasting my time...but like I am going nowhere. I am thinking about a lot of things that have happened..and realizing I need to get over them or nothing will happen....but I don't think I can. I don't know that I can make him move and not live the rest of my life wondering how much he regrets it. Not that he would regret it because of me..but because of the other two kids. I know I won't be a bitch about the kids..the problem is, will she? And I can't live with him and not brag about it..but he hasn't told anyone that I am going with him either..which makes me wonder what else he hasn't told them. I don't know if anyone knows that we are together...I don't know if anyone knows that Cassie is his..I wish I could still believe everything he says to me. It was good back then. ^_^ Nice and peaceful. Our fights were rare...and we always said "I love you" with real meaning..now sometimes I feel like it's just words when he says it. I know we love eachother and all that...but..idk..I guess I am going to bed before I make more of an ass out of myself. rofl (Comment on this)
Wednesday, October 15th, 2008
3:58 pm	Cotton Candy Popcicles Wow, it's been a while. Jeff and I have two kids now we are probably moving pretty freaking far from here in a couple of months and I am excited. TEXAS BABY! Yeehaw. So anyway....I'm not going to update on the bad drama bs right now..I don't really feel like it, but things are actually going pretty well for the moment. We'll see though. Just gotta wait it out and make sure that all of the lying is done with. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, March 12th, 2008
1:06 pm	blah It's another day and I'm still pissed. God, I am so tired of feeling like this! You know, I can be mad at him all fucking day then as soon as I talk to him it all goes away...that really bugs me! lol I love him though. Things arn't getting any easier though. I'm sick of people acting like he's still with his ex, cause he's not! HELLO!! RIGHT HERE!!! I mean seriously, it's been almost two years and no ones over it yet. But then again it is kind of his fault no ones over it yet. Things WERE looking up for us, then he went and fucked up. I guess I don't know what to think right now. There's alot of shit going threw my head. I'll post again after it's sorted out. (Comment on this)
Thursday, November 22nd, 2007
9:47 pm	My Heart My heart is breaking, my brain is aching. I don't know what to do, and I don't know where to go. I need to be shown the way and all I can do is pray that maybe he can someday. It's ripping me apart. I'm tired of fighting for his heart. It's a battle I won't soon give lose, but I will let him be the one to chose. f his longs to be gone, then I must let him go. While it will me, nothing matters as long as he's happy. I wish I knew what to do, I wish I just knew who. What will his decision be? Will he chose to go back or be alone? Or will he finally come home... I hope his heart is with me, and that I won't lose my sanity. I feel so blind...but that's what love is. You play it blind and trust the other to lead you, but how do you know it's right way? What if they don't know either...... Then where do you go? (Comment on this)
Wednesday, September 12th, 2007
12:00 pm	WHAT A WORLD! What a cruel cruel world! Waaa! Hehheh, like my subject? lol It has nothing to do with my poem at all!! My Everything You stole my heart And I don't want it back I would gladly give you the world Just to keep you beside me You are the love of my life My everything I fall for you all over again Just one look is all it takes You never stop amazing me And I hope you never will We promised forever And I know it's a long time But I want more No matter what I will always follow No matter where I will be there You are mine My everything... (Comment on this)
Thursday, September 6th, 2007
2:38 pm	Insanity It's a brand new day! I love those days when you fall in love with the person your with all over again. I've never had that feeling before, but I love it. It just happened like two days ago and i'm still feelin it. My mom has finaly lost her fucking mind. She started fighting with me at 8:30am yesterday and held on to it all day. My other mother died a year ago yesterday and I ended up not being able to go to the funeral last year and then I couldn't get down to see her this year, so needless to say, I didn't need my moms shit yesterday. But she was fighting with me because I was gonna go see Pat and I didn't have a deff time frame and instead of taking her car to work she wanted Shelly to give her a ride because it was raining....So she really just wanted to waste shellys gas and have something to bitch about. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, September 4th, 2007
11:39 am	Kools wooooooooooooooooo (Comment on this)
Monday, August 13th, 2007
12:40 pm	I'm realy confused at this point. I don't even know if he wants to be with me anymore. Everythings just so wierd now...I um, god I don't even know.. He tells me that i don't have a right to still be upset about what he did which happened like a month or two ago, but it's ok for him to be mad about little things that happened a year ago....I just hurt now...I've never had to deal with anything like this before, and it's really hard, and he doesn't think i'm trying to get over. Well, i'm sorry, this is kind of one of those things. If I had fucked around on him and got knocked up he would have left me, so wtf? He constantly thinks that i'm fucking around on him, and it's just gonna get worse because now he expects me to cause he did it. I'm tired of hurting. I just want things to be the way they were before. Good luck with that, right? Fuck, this sucks. I don't realy have anything to say..I guess I just needed to write something....*sigh* It aint bad enough that I feel worthless or anything, but he's gotta tell me I am too. God damn, I don't even know what the fuck i'm supose to do anymore. I don't have anyone to fucking talk to about it, so this is about all I can do. Jeff just gets mad when I talk to him about things that are wrong with me so I don't see much of a point in trying to talk to him about things anymore. What realy upsets me....he doesn't even know me....if he did he would fucking trust me a little more and we'd have alot less problems. I wish I knew what to do. i don't want to stop talking to all the people I know that have been around for so long just because I dated them. Fuck, most of them live hella far away now...but he still worries. I don't even want to think about how he's gonna be when Chris gets back in town in December. I think he's building himself up tog et hurt and that's our big problem. He's so ready to have me fuck around on him so he can leave me or what ever the hell he'd do.....I wish he knew me because he'd know that i've never been more serious about anyone in my life. I wish he knew that I love him more anything and i'm not willing to lose him for a stupid fucking fling. I couldn't do that to him....no matter what he's done. I just couldn't. I can't even look at other guys anymore. TV does not count! <3 Current Mood: cold (Comment on this)
Saturday, August 4th, 2007
6:00 pm	Diet Pepsi Cola Well...my days are finaly slowing down and trying to re-schedual themselves...I'm still not sure where I stand on everything...There's still alot of questions I need to stop asking myself and throw out so I can get over this a little faster..hopfuly that is. lol I guess i'm just scared. I'm not going down the list of my issues because that's for him and I to know only.  God, all I can think is what was I thinkin? but I still don't regret anyof it...my feelings are just hurt I guess. He's still my everything and still the only one I ever want by my side. I'm done witht his entry, i'm just pissed off now. Current Mood: aggravated (Comment on this)
Friday, July 20th, 2007
5:11 pm	..... .....and it still managed to get worse. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, July 18th, 2007
10:30 am	*sigh* I'm not sure where to start this one.....my heads full and my heart is heavy. I can hardly stop thinking about it...I honestly don't understand how he could do that and risk everything we had over something that still had potencial to not be true. I feel really stupid...I just wanted things to go right for once...and again, as soon as I let my gaurd down and get confertable, I have to throw it right back up. I'm really scared of getting hurt again...I love him to much, and i'm trying not let him see it bother me. I hate making him feel bad no matter what he thinks. I just want the pain to go away so we can continue on with our lives....i'm just hurting really bad right now.....this hole thing is fucked up and stupid and I can't even say it pisses me off because all i'm feeling is hurt alone and a little like I was stabbed in the heart. How do I know it won't happen again? And how can he believe everyone else over me knowing that most of them are full of shit or want him to be with her again....? He wanted me to trust him but he had such little trust for me that he did this? God damn, i really just want this to go away.....It hurts so much. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 17th, 2007
5:56 pm	Maybe Love is Enough... I really didn't think that I was going to be able to look at him the same..it still comes and goes, it has after all, only been a couple days. I wish he knew how much he means to me..he really is my world. I still don't know how I feel about what he did, but for now, it's forgiven. I still love him, and i never want to leave him, and that's not going to change. He's my everything.....I honestly can't see myself with out him by my side. I still trust him, atleast enough to tell me things. But as far as promises he makes to me, that may take a little more time. It still hurts, i'm not gonna lie, but I still feel safe with him. I guess soon enough the pain will stop and we can just forget about it, but right now it still hurts. I love him so much, and i don't think he really even knows. I could tell him athousand times, and he still wouldn't get it. I guess that's another reason why this bothers me so much.....I feel bad even though i'm not the one who fucked up. It breaks my heart when he thinks that i'm going to leave him and it makes me feel like I did something wrong...and in this sitch, i shouldn't be the one feeling bad about how the other person feels, but I can't help it....he still steals my heart everytime he looks at me, and takes my breath away with every touch and every kiss.... So when I fully understand a couple things is when i'll be fully ok I supose....but i still can't stop feeling alone, and i don't know why....I hope it's just a phase from all of this... (Comment on this)
Monday, July 16th, 2007
10:27 am	The shit just keeps rollin! Just when i thought it might not get any worse, there it is.The cold hard truth that is formed from lies and deception. How can you build up that much hate twords someone you claim to love? That is what I truly don't understand. And knowing while your that pissed at them that there is a chance that none of it was true, and still having that much hate....only to find out you were wrong...I'm really scared..Everything he promised me he'd never do, he did, all in one shot. I hurt so much right now, I don't want anything to do with anyone but him...I still don't know how he can still be the only one I want holding me when nothings ok.....it makes no sence at all to me. I don't know how i'm going to be able to look at him the same anymore though either...I can't get the image out of my head.....it just pops up! Like cancer....I'm not to sure what to do about everything, i don't know how to organize my feelings about this little sitch, but I guess I wouldn't even know for sure until after tomarrow.I'm horrified...I really am...I wish I knew how i felt about all of this....and our one year aniversery is coming up..and our son is due in about a week....I can't post anymore right now... (Comment on this)
Sunday, July 15th, 2007
10:49 am	Why...? Why is it that the one thing that keeps you sain and alive, is the one thing that kills you everytime? Why is it that the one thing you give your heart and your soul to always ends up dropping one and cracking it? Why do you always feel so alone afterwards? But most of all....why do you always feel like some how it was your fault even when you've done nothing wrong?! Why do I feel so stupid.....? And ya know, it kinda figures that as soon as I realize that I really do trust him...I find out. That's what made me feel the dumbest. I stand up for us, only to find out that I shouldn't have. I feel really fucking stupid, and I hate that. Why do I want to tell him i'm sorry? Well...I already know why I wan to tell him that...I want to tell him I'm sorry because I feel like i'm not good enough...and because I don't love him the way that I should. I want to tell him i'm sorry for all the thing that I can't give to him to prove to him how much I care...I want to tell him i'm because I feel like next to her, i'm nothing.  I want to tell him that i'm sorry because I really don't know how any of this truly makes me feel, other then ya know, like dirt. I want to run my head threw a wall.....But most of all, I want to know why this happened...and why i feel so alone.. Current Mood: lonely (Comment on this)
Saturday, March 10th, 2007
1:51 am	Random Update Hey all. Well as an update, i'm having a boy! Woo. And the due date they gave me my first visit(july29)was right on the spot apparently. -^_^- Things are going great and at this point I don't think I could be any happier. I have love, I have family, and I have friends. What more could I ask for at this point? Not a damn thing. I honestly don't think that to much could make this any better. I've never felt more attached to my fience' and it's never felt so good to have friend's. For a while I thought that I would be just fine with almost nothing, and then I found everything, and I think I probably would have shot myself, lol. And old friend of mine popped back around bringing around someone else who i had met briefly, but still left a bit of an impression just because of little conversation. I have my friend to kick it with, and one to get logicle with. lol That would be Julia and Kemo. Most of you know of Julie. But anyway, I don't get to talk about my man much so I'm gonna. lol 24, picked me up at a sweet 16, and we thought it was just going to be a fling. One thing led to another and here we are. We got engaged and decided to start a family. We're still trying to work out a few kinks in it, but it happens. Nothing to major,  It's kind of wierd for me because by now i've ussualy gotton bored with who ever i'm with, but something about him has made me stick, I don't want to go anywhere, and I feel perfectly fine and safe where i'm at. It's nice...I havn't gotton to feel safe in a long time and I was starting to miss it. I'm beging to feel like things are going just the right way, not the perfect way, but defenetaly going twords where I need to be in my life and what I need to do to get there. I feel like the old friend ships have come back for a reason, and i'm not going to let it go for anything, I'm gonna do my best to keep it around. It really helps me keep sane, having people who just want to go hang out and do something. And then being able to come home, or throw them out and just curl up with my lover regardless of what we're doing. At this point, now more then every I can honestly say that i'm really happy with my life. I really needed some good friends around to help balance out my mind. For a while I felt almost alone, like I only had one option to turn to when I had a problem, and that's not really ok.  There are certain people you talk to about certain things, it can't be one person about everything. That's not how it works damnit! -^_^- But i'm going to hop of and go be with my favorite person in the world. Cause he's pretty and loves meh! lol (Comment on this)
Wednesday, November 22nd, 2006
10:26 am	MROW! ......HI!!!!!! *waves franticly* So my mom still hates my ex who is still wanting to be around but yeah...That's not to suprising....she did have to escort him out of my house..... -^_^- Meow meow meow. *dances* So I started taking these vitamins that are supose to like, I dunno, balance me out, but I think they make me really depressed so i'm going to see how today goes with out then. I ended up writting this huge long journal on myspace and VF on accident because I was sp upset yesterday! And omg, my dad really fucking pissed me off. Called me up yesterday and asked if i was still coming over tomarrow. Here.. Dad:Hello! Me: Hey, what's goin on? Dad:Not much, you still coming over on Thanksgiving? Me: I don't know. I have to-- Dad:No, the correct answer is yes. Me:.... Dad: Yes dad I am, and I'm very exited and will be there as soon as I can. Me: .....I'll call you tomarrow and let you know. He's so fucking ignorant. I told him that I planned on coming for x-mas and he says that he didn't invite me for x.mas. But it's kewl. W/e He also informed me that I don't love him any more. Wow, he's just on the ball aint he? I wanna kick him in his face and knock his teeth down his goddamned throat. (Comment on this)
Sunday, October 1st, 2006
8:02 pm	Update So, things have be kind of rough as of lately. I feel so stuck and lost. Not that lost is a new feeling..but stuck, ha! When does that happen to me? Things seem to be getting a little out of hand in my life, and it has nothing to do with leaving my mothers for those smart ass's reading this. Anyway.I've been thinking about alot of things and it's kind of nice to sort things out but the things that don't get sorted are really pissing me off like no tomarrow. I want to know why the people that left me did, and I want to know why they did it the way they did. Why couldn't they just say they were leaving?! It makes no sence, why try to lie out of it and just up and go? Instead of saying, "Oh, i'll be back later" I'd prefer they left in the middle of the night and left me nothing. Of corse i'd still wonder, but I wouldn't feel as hurt. I hate being lied to. I'm not singleing anyone out in this either. People make no sence. Being honest may suck, but it won't kill you, not unless you did something really bad like with the law. I miss my ex, and I feel bad about alot of things envolving him...Accualy what really makes me feel bad is that not alot of people got to meet him...I think maybe two of my friends met him. And one of them only met him because that's how I met him. His was...Is a great guy and I hope that when he comes home we can still be close. I'm going to look for a job soon. Just need to change my hair and get my cell and all that great stuff. I'm going to work right next to the tat shop i've been working in for free...so it's not really work I guess. Current Mood: blah Current Music: Lips Of An Angel (Comment on this)
Sunday, September 3rd, 2006
6:40 pm	Mrow I moved. (Comment on this)